Cave Story vs IM Meen: Jack's Fanfictionception
by xandermartin98
Summary: When the infamous IM Meen invades the Cave Story universe and traps Jack, Sue, Toroko and Balrog inside his book and writes a sick mockery of a yandere fanfic about them, Jack's sanity is pushed to its limits and beyond as he frantically searches for a way to escape.
1. The Book of Doom

One day on the despicable little planet known as Earth, an odd little man named Ignamus Mortimer Meen crash-landed a helicopter in the tunnel network of Mimiga Island. For some odd reason, Balrog just so happened to be working with him.

Mr. Meen and Balrog explored through the caves until they reached Mimiga Village, where they peeked through a hole in the rock wall separating the two of them from the village and saw three adorable little rabbit-shaped children playing and chatting with each other; Quote and Curly had allowed them to stay there one more day before moving down to the Earth's surface.

"Balrog! What are the names of those cutesy little scamps over there?" IM Meen asked.

"I'm never telling YOU!" Balrog denied him.

"You WILL tell me, unless you want me to zap you again. We don't want that, now, do we?" IM Meen recommended strongly, placing his right thumb on the Balrog-zapper button on his remote.

"Uhh...NO, MASTER! PLEASE don't! I-I'll do anything for you, master!" Balrog begged desperately, trembling with fear.

"Good boy." IM Meen sarcastically complimented Balrog, patting him on the top of his rectangular metal body. "Now GO FETCH!" he yelled, tossing one of his so-called "Balrog Biscuits" (a rock with sugary sprinkles spray-glued onto it) through the hole in the wall.

"ARF! ARF! WOOF!" Balrog barked, revving himself up and charging directly into the wall, effectively busting right through it like the Kool-Aid Man. "OH, YEAAH!"

All three of the children screamed and attempted to flee into the nearest house, but, lo and behold, the door was locked! They pounded on the door with all of their might, hoping for someone to answer as Balrog peacefully ate his biscuit without bothering anyone.

"Balrog, you FOOL!" IM Meen scolded him, zapping him. "Try to bust through the wall more SILENTLY next time, would you please?"

"Dude, I'm busting right through a frickin' wall. You expect me to be perfectly silent?" Balrog pointed out.

"Well, perhaps not _perfect_, I suppose, but quiet enough to where it's inaudible-"

"Exactly! You don't get it, do you? They have giant fuckin' rabbit ears. It's pretty damned hard for them not to hear me when I bust right through a FUCKING WALL, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WHORE MOTHER-"

And with that, IM Meen and Balrog broke out into a verbal fistfight.

"Wow, what are those two idiots doing? Also, haven't I seen that rectangular robot one before?" the children thought to themselves.

Once IM Meen and Balrog had finally untangled from their verbal (and literal) fistfight, they both introduced themselves. The children were quite shocked to know that Balrog was somehow working for this strange and peculiar man. They raised their hands to ask a whole bunch of questions, but IM Meen just wouldn't listen to them, much to their dismay.

"Now, Balrog, tell me their names." IM Meen commanded.

"Yes, sir!" Balrog replied.

"Okay...the girl on the left with the blue shirt is named Sue."

"The boy in the center with the glasses is named Jack."

"And the girl on the right with the green shirt is named...Toroko?! Oh yeah, that's right, I made a wish to a genie to revive her for some odd reason..."

"Personally, I think the one that deserves to be tortured the most is actually probably Jack." IM Meen concluded. "After all, he IS the one wearing those appalling nerdy glasses! FILTHY BOOKWORM!"

"DUDE, what the FUCK?" Jack replied disapprovingly, pointing a finger at IM Meen. "Alright, first of all, I'm 16, and second of all...what type of so-called torture do you have in mind?"

"FORCING YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A MIMIGA YURI FANFIC!" IM Meen replied loudly.

"Ugghhhh..." And, just like that, Jack collapsed and fainted head-over-heels onto the ground. "Wake me up when I'm not in hell anymore..." he whispered to himself before losing consciousness.

And on that note, IM Meen suddenly and frighteningly broke out into his infamous song!

"OH, LOOK, Mimiga CHILL-DRENN! See them playing, having fun;

how I HATE those BUNNIE-WUNNIES, how they make my ***** cum!

I've got a little SEEK-RIT, that'll REALLY make em' cry!

It's a NASTY kind of magic, from a SPECIAL kind of guy!

This book is made to OR-DERR, but it ISN'T to be read!

When I open up this book, you'll FUCK inside instead,

in the most unpleasant place Jack's ever seen!

The magic fanny fic of I! M! Meeeeeen!

Very scary AND CONFUSING, sexual fuckery of MY CHOOSING!

Magic fanny fic of I! M! Meeee-hee-hee-hee-heehee-heen!"

And on that last word, he opened the book, sucking Jack, Sue, Toroko, and even Balrog right into it!

"Heeheehee...this magic pen ought to do the trick! Prepare to do my bidding, Sue and Toroko and Balrog! Prepare to do every wonderfully despicable thing I write in this sickeningly lovely little book, while poor, poor Jack watches! BOO HOO! Oh, I feel so bad for the poor little bookworm! BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO! HA, NOT!" the diabolical low-life douche melodramatically gloated even though no one was able to hear him.


	2. Mimiga Yuri

IM Meen began writing his story.

\- One day, on the despicable little speck of a planet known as Earth, four strange and very interesting characters woke up in their two-story house; nothing had stirred, not even a mouse!

Three of them were barefooted Mimigas, most of which lacked a ballsack; the blue-shirted and green-shirted lesbian twins known as Sue and Toroko, and the lonely, nerdy, green-shirted, glasses-wearing young boy known as Jack.

These rabbit-like anthropomorphic dog creatures were also accompanied by a giant toaster-shaped robot thing-a-ma-nigger named Balrog, who had both the nose and the brain of a dog!

"OMG, Sue!" Toroko beckoned. "That, like, time we, like, had together on the queen-size bed, like, last, like, night was, like, totally, like, SOOOOOOOOOOOO much FUN! Can we, like, do it again, oh, please, please, pleeease?!"

"Like, pretty please?" Toroko whispered into Sue's ear.

"Sure, but only if that dumbass hunk of junk over there promises that he won't spy on us with his eye cameras again!" Sue replied.

"Teeheehee!" Balrog giggled, covering his mouth with his robot arms.

"OH, you big pervert!" Sue and Toroko scolded him.

"Wait a minute...what the FUCK is going on here?" Jack wondered out loud.

"What do you mean, my dear non-transvestite?" Balrog responded, re-applying his eyeliner and lip gloss, re-centering his golden wig, and checking himself in the mirror. "Does this bikini make my beautifully voluptuous rectangular ass look big?"

"Dear God, NO! Just...oh my god, just...NO!" Jack stammered. "Okay...f-first of all...Balrog, why in the hell are you wearing lipstick and high heels? That's just WRONG if I do say so myself."

"Hey, it makes me look pretty, you rude-ass wanker!" Balrog responded, logging onto Deviantart and sorting through massive libraries of foot fetish art on his iPad. "Say, how about a kiss?" he added, extending his arms out, grabbing Jack, pulling him head-first into his metal face with a loud and dizzying "CLONK!" and then forcefully rubbing him against it while hugging him so tightly he almost started choking.

"Put me down, you crossdressing fuckwit!" Jack yelled at him; all the hairs on his fur appeared to be standing straight up from the rather jarring experience.

"My, my, such foul language!" Toroko and Sue giggled like schoolgirls.

"Also, what in the actual living hell where Quote and Curly defeated Ballos is wrong with you two?" Jack continued, pointing at Sue and Toroko. "You're both acting like such stereotypical lesbian fanfiction sluts all of a sudden!"

"Heheheh..." Sue laughed. "My dear ex-boyfriend, this might be a bit hard for you to understand, but..."

"Wait a second, WHAT did you just say?" Jack interrupted, bewildered and confused beyond belief. "Am I really your EX-boyfriend now?"

"Why, yes, I'm afraid." Sue replied with a shit-eating smirk. "Do you know where you are right now?"

"Oh, please, don't tell me it's-"

"Oh yes it is, my friend." Sue responded, cackling evilly. "You're in my world now, four-eyes. A world where the pen truly is indeed mightier than the sword. A world where we all worship the Pen-Wielder and follow his every command...except you, because you're just a silly little four-eyed loser. Go to work already, you freak."

"Where?" Jack asked surprisingly politely.

"You know, that, like, fast food, like, place, like, right across the, like, subway line?" Toroko responded. "We eat there, like, all the time and yet we're both, like, incredibly, like, skinny. Would you mind, like, bringing some, like, home for us? Don't, like, forget the Shit-Squirtingly, like, Hot sauce."

"Ah, yes, we're simply famished." Sue replied, guzzling down a bottle of vodka mixed with orange juice.

Jack went into the bathroom to undress and take a shower, making sure that no one would be able to spy on him while he did so. "Okay, this looks simple. All I have to do is just simply rotate the handle on this knob into the red area like this, and the water will presumably become super- COLD!"

The water was so cold that Jack almost got hypothermia just from touching it! Shivering, crossing his arms over his chest and chattering his teeth, Jack leaped out of the shower and wrapped himself in Sue's shitty-smelling towel.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that." Sue apologized, opening the door. "The three of us had already used that shower before you, so I guess it was probably freezing cold."

"Jesus, YOU THINK?" Jack replied with a strongly pissed-off tone. "Honestly, I could've DIED in there for fuck's sake! Say, speaking of which, I just realized I gotta take a shit. Do you have any toilet paper left?"

"Sorry, we're all out." Sue replied. "Until we get more, you're just gonna have to use the towel."

At that remark, Jack's face turned green as his shirt as he slipped his equally green shirt back on. "You know, on second thought, I think there's something else I need to go do outside...urk!" he explained urgently. Meanwhile, Sue grabbed the towel and stuffed it into the washing machine.

As you probably expected, Jack ran out into the front yard and violently threw up into the rosebushes. "I know I have a habit of doing this, but, seriously, can I really blame myself this time?" he thought to himself. "You know what? I'm skipping breakfast this morning. Fuck breakfast. I've officially lost my appetite. I don't even wanna know what their fucking screwed-up shitty idea of breakfast is."

Suddenly, as he was walking to the car, he heard a buzzing sound coming from the bushes. "OH GOD, NO, NOT THE BEES!" Jack screamed, frantically scrambling into his car and slamming the door shut as a huge swarm of wasps came out of the bush; luckily, the windows were all shut. "Phew. That was a close one." he thought to himself as the swarm gave up and flew away to make a new nest elsewhere.

But then, to his horror, Jack discovered that one of the wasps had somehow snuck inside his ear canal!

Toroko and Balrog were able to hear his agonized screams of pain and terror from all the way out in the living room while watching TV!

"Man, like, seriously, like, what is, like, up with that hunky little guy?" Toroko asked Balrog.

"Oh, don't worry, my dear, he's just being fabulous." Balrog replied with a feminine wink.

"Should we, like, help him or something?" Toroko asked.

"Nah, he'll be fine." Balrog replied uncaringly. "Meh, I'd much rather sit on the couch."

After finally killing and disposing of the sneaky little bastard with bug spray, Jack turned on the car and saw a stale granola bar in the glove compartment. "Guess this is going to be my shitty breakfast after all..." he thought miserably to himself, activating the GPS map on his iPhone.

"Alright, so this restaurant that they were talking about is apparently none other than...DIARRHEA BELL? On SHITSDALE STREET? Are you fucking shitting me?" Jack angrily growled with shock. "Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised...IM Meen, you are a truly sick bastard, you know that?" he sighed exasperatedly, driving off to work.

On the way to the nearest subway station, Jack ran into traffic jam after traffic jam. To make matters even more exciting, it suddenly started raining like hell, he had to dodge several car accidents, the loose tire from an eighteen-wheeler truck almost flew right into his windshield, the heater malfunctioned and just about burned him to death, the Crazybus title screen music started playing on the radio, he nearly got struck by lightning...and he forgot his umbrella.

"Well, this is just fan-fucking-tastic!" Jack sneered, crossing his arms. "Tell me, Mr. Award-Winning-Writer, you; what's the worst that could happen?"

On the subway, he got s(h)at on by the fattest woman on the train while everyone laughed at him and called him derogatory names like "Boil-Face", "Furry-Fag", "Pimple-Tits", "Pus-Brain", "Four-Eyed Freak" and "Bunny-Boy".

After stumbling out of the train and being trampled by a stampede of Black Friday Wal-Mart customers, Jack desperately scraped himself off the ground, hoping he would at least survive to see the next day. "Should I stay or should I go, be it to heaven or hell? I suppose my destiny will decide."

Just as Jack stepped out onto the sidewalk, God's giant hands suddenly came out of the sky, flipped his head open like a Pokeball, and crammed a giant book of self-proclaimed "KNOWLEDGE" into it.

"Oh, come on, _seriously_?" Jack groaned. "Couldn't you at least take the time to make a pop culture reference that's actually funny and not completely forced?"

Crossing the street and narrowly lunging out of the way of a passing bank robbery car and its furious cop-car pursuer, Jack started to realize how much this area reminded him of all the nasty things he had heard about Detroit. "Could it be?" he thought. "Nah, I doubt it. There aren't enough decaying walls and boarded-up windows on the buildings."

And with those famous legendary words, Jack walked into Diarrhea Bell.


	3. The Great Moldy Slime

The restaurant had a "no shirt, no shoes" policy, but Jack was surprisingly one of those weird exceptions. However, when he took a good look at the floor, he wished he had been wearing shoes.

Much to his nonexistent surprise, Jack was tasked with working as a janitor at this festering putrid dung heap of a restaurant.

The walls were cracked and beginning to peel, even the decorations themselves were decorated with cobwebs, the tables looked like they were about to fall apart, the ceiling fans were barely working, the windows had dried crusty sauce smeared on them, there were ants and food stains and crumbs everywhere, the tiles were coated with dirt, and the whole place smelled of pure stagnant shit.

"Jesus Christ, and I thought Taco Bell was a shitty restaurant..." he thought as he nervously approached the bathroom, luckily not forgetting to slip on a gas mask and a pair of boots.

Suddenly, with great shock, he realized that the stench had been coming largely from the bathroom this whole time!

"Don't run inside the bathroom." the cashier warned him. "You'll kick up the mold spores."

Shivering with fear, Jack slipped on a full-body quarantine suit and opened the door to the bathroom. The stench in the air was visible. He could definitely see why no one used this bathroom anymore.

The mirror was nonexistent. The faucet sprayed black water, if you could even call it that, the handles were rusted and broken, and the entire sink was tilted forward as if it was about to collapse right off the wall. The walls and the floor, as well as the ceiling, were horrendously cracked and oozing with mold. There was even grass along with several varieties of poisonous mushrooms growing between the tiles.

The room had gotten so otherworldly repulsive that even the obviously expected cockroaches were nowhere to be found; according to urban legend, they had already fled from the restaurant in utter shame a long time ago. Fittingly, ominously, and rather disturbingly, Super Metroid's "Item Room Ambience" just so happened to be permanently playing in a loop on the bathroom radio.

Suddenly, a giant, black, slimy monster burst out of the toilet, tore the stall apart, and got so huge that it busted right through the ceiling! Jack screamed and ran for his life as the monster tore apart the entire building!

Standing in the rubble, Jack watched with horror as the monster grabbed an innocent news reporter and swallowed him whole.

"Ahem." the predatory monster humbly greeted its prey. "I am the Great Mighty Poo's distant cousin and I would like to perform for you." The hideous, dripping monster protruding from the toilet was roughly humanoid and had a pair of ominous, glowing white eyes.

"Allow me to sing for you." the monster requested as dramatic opera music began playing in the background.

"I...am...the Great Moldy Slime, and you have arrived here just in time!

I'll show you all my hair, so you'll nauseously stare!

Where's your paper bag, you little fag?"

"Here, take this!" a passing truck driver signaled to Jack, dropping a giant crate of Irish Spring soap bars right next to him.

"Oh, I get it..." Jack thought confidently to himself.

"Take this, you little scamp!" the monster yelled, throwing solidified pieces of its own body at Jack, who somehow acrobatically avoided them like a ninja. "WHAT? WHY, YOUUU-"

While the monster's mouth was wide open, Jack threw a pair of Irish Spring bars into it. "BLEAUGH!" While the monster was spitting in disgust at the taste of the soap, Jack threw up into a cup and threw it at Justin Bieber, who ran away crying like a little girl.

Frustrated, the monster continued his song.

"Do you really think you'll survive, you freak? You're nothing but a skinny little geek!

I am growing rapidly with such amazing speed! Why haven't your bloody pants been peed?"

Jack made a run for it as the monster stretched out its body and swiped with one of its gigantic and intimidating hands in an attempt to grab Jack and eat him. Jack suddenly saw a group of rabid Justin Bieber fanboys approaching, so he decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

"Hey, Beliebers!" Jack called to them. "Bieber wrongfully accused me! It was actually this thing that threw a cup of vomit at him! Kill it! KILL IT WITH SOAP! Don't even think! JUST THROW SOAP AT IT!"

"We'll do anything for Bieber! CHARGE IN THE NAME OF OUR BELOVED GODDESS JUSTIN BIEBER!" the fangirls screamed in a rebellious war cry as they totally Zerg-rushed the beast and pelted him with several more crates' worth of soap bars.

Furious, the beast began to sing yet again as the fangirls ran away screaming.

"Now I'm really fucking furious; you're like an itty bitty shitty little dog runt!

When I've knocked you out with my odor I'm going to take your head and ram it up my cunt!"

"Your CUNT?" Jack responded with surprise.

"MY CUNT!"

"Your CUNT!"

"That's right, MY CUNT! MY CUNT! MY CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNT!"

Just as the monster finished singing, the janitor of the next-door Diarrhea Bell snuck up behind him and flushed the toilet.

"WHAT? NO! I'M FLUSHING, I'M FLUSHING! Who would have thought that such a cute little guy like you could outsmart such an evil genius as me? I'M GOING! NO! NO! (glug, glug, glug)" And just like that, he vanished. Just to add the coup-de-grace, the janitor added a whole bunch of anti-mold bleach to the toilet and flushed it again.

"Thank you, janitor." Jack thanked him, attempting to shake his hand.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" the janitor sneered. "I don't even wanna know where YOUR hands have been! The Diarrhea Bell where I work is actually CLEAN, believe it or not! Mabe if you had actually done a good job CLEANING that wretched filthy place then it wouldn't have ended up looking like that! Nice fucking job, hero!" he literally spat onto Jack's face.

"But it's not my fault..." Jack attempted to argue; after all, he WAS the first janitor they had ever employed, and it was basically his first day.

"I DON'T WANNA FUCKING HEAR IT!" the janitor screamed at him, kicking him in the face and throwing him out onto the sidewalk. "Congratulations. You're fucking fired, loser." Jack's only reward for defeating the Great Slimy Mold was to slowly stagger home, exhausted, penniless and starving.


	4. 2 Mimiga Girls, 1 Cup

Arriving home, Jack slammed open the door as thunder and lightning cracked the sky. "Well, at least I'm home. I can follow my intellectual pursuits-"

Suddenly, he heard Sue, Toroko and Balrog laughing and giggling and whispering in the kitchen about how they had tricked Jack into going to the wrong Diarrhea Bell. "Teeheehee! We sure fooled him! What? Uh-oh! He's here! Did he hear us?"

"YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT, I HEARD YOU!" Jack screamed, storming after them and pinning them up against the back wall of the upstairs hallway.

"YOUUUUUU..." he growled menacingly. "BOTH of YOUUUUUUUUU..."

Suddenly, his face contorted into an awkwardly deformed grin, although on the inside he was actually literally seething with rage. "OHH, what I'm gonna do to you..." he whispered intimidatingly, gritting his teeth and shaking his fists, trying desperately not to explode. "I'M SO ANGRY!" He could feel his blood pressure getting out of control and he swore that his heart was seriously going to literally beat right out of his chest at any moment.

"First...I'm gonna tear your lips off." he began with horrifying sincerity. "Yeah...that's what I'm gonna do."

"But I don't even have lips!" Balrog whined.

"And then, I'm gonna...GOUGE your EYES out!" he continued, grinding his teeth together for emphasis. Sue, Toroko and Balrog were all whimpering and cowering with fear.

"Good. You scared, huh?" he taunted them. "NEXT...I'm gonna...**_TEAR_** your arms out of the sockets!" he yelled melodramatically, imitating the motion of someone yanking one's arm off with startling accuracy.

"And you wanna know what ELSE?" he continued. "I'm gonna Hit'cha." he said, punching the air, "and you're gonna fall."

"And I'm gonna look down...AND I'M GONNA LAUGH...AS I PISS AND SHIT ALL OVER YOUR WRETCHED, STUPID, PITIFUL, WORTHLESS FUCKING BODIES!" he screamed at the top of his normally weak lungs, pointing a malicious finger at them.

"Don't you go anywhere! You stay right here. RIGHT on this SPOT...I'll be done in a second." he concluded, causing Sue and Toroko to piss their pants.

"WAIT! JACK! STOP! You forget that we're being possessed by an unseen force known as the Pen-Wielder! IT'S NOT OUR FAULT! Please don't kill us! We're very major characters!" Sue, Toroko and Balrog pleaded desperately, on their knees, begging like dogs.

"WHAT? Those pesky little twerps managed to break through my spell? IMPOSSIBLE! I must concentrate harder! JACK MUST SUFFER!" IM Meen sneered with a look of utter disappointment, scribbling dialogue furiously on the pages.

\- "Please don't kill us! We just wanted to have sex!" Sue and Toroko begged.

"With me?" Jack asked excitedly.

"Well, you're really, like, hot and all, but..."

"We're lesbian and we'd honestly prefer to have sex...WITH EACH OTHER!" Toroko and Sue explained.

"Uhh...how exactly does that even work again?" Jack asked; Balrog displayed a holographic diagram of two pairs of scissors scissoring each other to answer Jack's question. Jack just looked confused. "So the blades are supposed to represent the...LEGS? What the fuck?"

"ANYWAY," Sue and Toroko explained, "GOOD NIGHT!"

Right after the four of them all went to bed, Sue and Toroko and Balrog silently snuck out of the house and waited outside the window whose view led into the kitchen refrigerator.

"Do you think he'll do it tonight?" Sue whispered.

"Of COURSE he will! It's like CLOCKWORK!" Balrog replied, at which Sue and Toroko both chuckled.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the eight wonders of the world." Balrog began, pointing his bat-shaped flying spy-cam toward himself.

"At about 11:30 PM, eastern standard time, through THIS window..." Balrog began to explain, casting a glance toward the window, "our buddy Jack will descend the staircase as he does every night for a glass of water."

"And he ain't, like, dressed, like, for the occasion, if you, like, know what I, like, mean." Toroko whispered into the camera, grinning smugly and trying very hard not to laugh.

"Heeheehee, yup! You heard right!" Balrog confirmed. "He's completely and utterly...NAAAKEEED!"

"WITH NO CLOTHES ON!" Sue and Toroko over-excitedly and over-dramatically squealed like a pair of insanely rabid celebrity fangirls, their eyes star-speckled and sparkling like something out of an anime.

And so they videotaped Jack walking down a staircase naked. Not much to write home about, but for our adorably insane little troublemakers it was the best experience in the world. But then suddenly he turned around and saw them!

"Oh my God! He saw us!" the three troublesome mischief-makers screamed. "It's all over now!"

"This is illegal, you know." Jack scolded them.

"Why are you still wearing your glasses?" Sue asked.

"I'm a fucking nerd, god damn it! I can't see without my fucking glasses, god damn it!" Jack explained irritatedly. "What, did you think I was fuckin' sleepwalking or some shit? I already knew you fuckin' idiots were there to begin with! Seriously, WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME? I give up! It's just no use! There's no way to fucking reason with you people, is there?" Jack ranted.

"I'M GAY!" Balrog yelled for no apparent reason.

"Well, that's good to know, I guess." Jack sighed. "Good night."

Jack decided to sneak into the basement and sleep down there that night, hoping that no one would find him and wake him up. For a long time, he was unable to sleep.

He could hear voices in his head, he felt like the walls were closing in on him, he thought he saw rats scampering around on the floor, and his right eye was nervously twitching as he stood up, pressing his body against the wall and extending his arms out to his sides.

Sure enough, Balrog crashed in through the ceiling. "HUZZAH!"

"God damn it, what do you fucking want from me, honestly?" Jack asked exasperatedly.

"Well, first of all, Sue and Toroko are about to start having nasty sex in the living room. You HAVE to see it! If you refuse then I'm gonna have to DRAG you up there!" Balrog explained enthusiastically.

"What's the _other_ bad news?" Jack asked in a very snarky manner.

"If you're willing to screw me silly, then I'll try to leave you alone as much as possible in the process of taking you up there and forcing you to watch those queers scissor each other." Balrog explained.

"Getting even, are we? Very well, then..." Jack sighed as Balrog turned around so that his butt was facing in the general direction of Jack's dick.

TWENTY SECONDS LATER...

"There. Is that enough 'egg fuel' for you?" Jack asked disgustedly, wiping his crotch with tissues.

"Boy, you really _jacked_ it, if you know what I mean! Cheeky boy..." Balrog giggled condescendingly.

Rolling his eyes, Jack very politely replied, "Fuck you."

"Good job." Balrog complimented Jack, drawing lips on Jack's mouth with the lipstick, to which Jack replied with a disapproving sneer. "Now could you please screw me in my glory hole, if you don't mind?" Balrog requested, lying on his back and spreading out his legs.

"Wait, WHAT?!" Jack yelled in pure shock and confusion. "You're a HERMAPHRODITE?!"

"Let your probing do the talking." Balrog suggested.

As soon as Jack began, however, the glory hole chopped his dick right off, causing him to scream like a girl! "WHO IN THE SEVEN HELLS FUCKING DESIGNED THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?! THE DAMNED THING ATE MY FUCKING DICK RIGHT OFF!"

"Well, sorry, but that's what my glory hole does." Balrog explained. "Tastes yummy."

"Speaking of which..." Balrog continued as he tripped Jack over, grabbed him by the left leg, and observed the sole of his foot, "this thing you've got right here looks tasty too. NOM!"

"OWWWWW!" Jack screamed in pain as Balrog chomped his foot off and swallowed it whole. "Dude, what in the shit are you fucking doing? That's my god-damned FOOT! I fucking NEED it in order to WALK, you STUPID _mother_..._**FUCKING**_ foot-fetishist _bastard __**PIECE OF SHIT**__!" _Jack screamed with rage.

"Alright, alright, I'll spit it out, you can have your lucky rabbit's foot back." Balrog agreed. "However, in return...I think I'll have to eat your other foot."

"THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, YOU INSUFFERABLE DUMBASS!" Jack yelled, trying fruitlessly to get it through Balrog's thick mechanical skull.

"Okay, okay, I'll just give you a bionic replacement foot to ease the pain." Balrog explained, attaching the device to Jack's leg while IM Meen was busy sipping tea. As soon as IM Meen saw what had just happened, he spat out his drink and slapped himself.

"Damn, I'm such a fool!" IM Meen thought to himself. "I will not allow myself to be outsmarted by this PUNY, INSOLENT little creature. NOT ON MY WATCH!" And with that, he drank a glass of espresso and continued writing away like a lunatic.

\- Balrog busted the door open and carried Jack up the stairs into the living room, where Sue and Toroko were viciously entangled in the act of scissoring each other on the carpet.

"What. The. Fuck." Jack said blankly, with his jaw hanging wide open at the indescribable sight.

"Is this shit seriously what Japanese fanfiction writers have come to?"

"WHAT?! I'm not Japanese, you pathetic foolish wimp! Get real!" IM Meen snarled, continuing to write like his own nonexistent life depended on it.

\- First, Sue and Toroko pooped into two separate cups. Then, they scraped the crust off of each other's vaginas and dropped it into the cups. Jack's stomach strength was seriously being pushed to its limits.

Next, Sue and Toroko spat, pissed, and hocked up their snot into each other's cups. Then, they picked out the sweaty lint (in laymen's terms: "toe jam") from in between each other's toes and added it into the mixture.

"Oh my god, I seriously can't hold out much longer. Is this seriously turning into 2 Mimiga Girls 1 Cup?" Jack asked in utter dismay.

"Yup." Balrog replied. "Too bad I forgot to bring the popcorn and 3-D glasses."

Finally, Sue and Toroko drank the mixtures from each other's cups, regurgitated them back into the cups in vomit form, switched cups with each other, drank them again and re-regurgitated them. Jack's face was literally turning blue from trying so hard not to puke.

"Oh my, what happened to your NOSE?" Balrog asked worriedly, noticing Jack's nosebleed.

"Oh, nothing, Balrog." Jack answered, checking it with his fingers. "Just an aneurysm out of sheer disgustingness."

Last but not least, the grand finale; Sue and Toroko reached into and dug around in each other's vaginas, ripped each other's ovaries out with their bare hands, and threw them into the mixtures. That did it.

Jack could no longer hold it in anymore. "OH, GOD, WHY? WHYYYYYYYYY?!" he screamed as he violently writhed around on the floor, puking so much that he literally couldn't stop and ended up slipping into unconsciousness for the rest of the night.


	5. Poor, Poor Jack

The next morning, Jack woke up in a daze, feeling as if he had just woken up from a hangover.

Seeing Sue and Toroko's fast-asleep bodies strewn on the floor, Jack approached them and thought, "What has this bastard done? WHAT HAS IM MEEN _**DONE**_?!", gently sobbing.

Right at that unfortunate moment, the police busted in through the front door, saw Jack's position in the crime scene, and immediately screamed "YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!"

"But...I saw it all! T-the blood on my hands...it was from my nosebleed!" Jack desperately tried to explain in the courtroom.

"We're not buying it!" the judge and the audience responded simultaneously. "GUILTY! The defendant is guilty!"

First, Jack was sent to the dreaded Tickler, a machine that mercilessly and unrelentingly tickled him right on his unfortunately large and sensitive soles for over ten minutes straight. "OH MY GAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAHD! PLEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEASE! STOP! I BEG OF YOU-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! STAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAHP!"

Then, he was thrown in jail, locked alone in a prison cell. For some odd reason, his cell had a refrigerator and a microwave in it. He decided to take advantage of this to express his inner torment.

"Thank you for taking the time to discuss my feelings, Jack." he began. "How do I feel? Well, perhaps this little puppet play I've written will explain."

"I am Jack." he introduced himself, grabbing the prison cell bars and weeping in defeat. "Woe is me for I am wrongfully imprisoned."

"I am Jack." he repeated. "Sad and unhappy am I without friends. BOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO HOO!" He blew a shitload of snot into his handkerchief and smeared it all over the floor.

"Emptiness wells up in my tortured soul." he explained. "I'm going to...I'm going to...BLEAUGH!" And with that, he puked all over the floor.

"I am Sue. I also am indeed BLEAUGH!" And with that, he got down on his knees, grabbed one of his cups and dumped a mixture of saliva, mucus, cornbread, toe jam, jelly, feces, marmite, vegemite, eggs, urine and vomit _all_ over the floor.

"I'm just Toroko but I'm gonna barf too, and the MUSTARD, MUSTARD BARF, MUSTARD BARF!" he yelled spastically, dumping ketchup and mustard all over the floor like a complete maniac; at that exact moment, Jack's sanity officially snapped like a twig.

"BEHOLD the _GOOEY_ _**SLOP**_ of our _**SORROW**_!" he yelled melodramatically, taking huge scoops of the mixture on the floor and smearing them all over his face with his hands.

"It is..._**SLOBBER**_...DAMMERÜNG!"

"The _TWILIGHT_ of the _CONDIMENTS_!" he yelled, uncovering his face and gazing up toward the heavens, his eyes soaked with tears. "_**WEEP**_ for them, _**WEEP**_ FOR THEIR _**SORROW-HO-HOHO-HOHH!**_" he wailed right before dunking his entire face into the mixture puddle.

"Why, yes, Jack, my delicate psyche has come _horribly_ unglued! Geez, I sure do _wonder_ what made you say _that!" _Jack said sarcastically to himself. "ROSES! RED! FLOWERS! HAHA! HA! HA! Haah...man, if only someone would just come and rescue me already...I really want this story to end..."

And then all of a sudden, Balrog crashed right in through the ceiling with a resounding "OH YEAH!", but then Jack just collapsed onto him and hugged him, bawling his eyes out in the process.

"Hey, don't cry all over _me_!" Balrog scolded him. "Your tears will make my metal rust!"

"S-so...you're n-not h-here to...to...to try t-to prison r-rape me up t-the ass...?" Jack stuttered nervously.

"Well, actually, yes I am, but..."

"Okay, you know what? I'm beginning to get very tired of writing this, and I think I have a serious bathroom emergency. I think I'm going to just take a break for a few seconds..." IM Meen thought to himself.

"Wait...where is the bathroom? WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?

WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?" he frantically repeated over and over again like a broken record as he pointlessly tried to find the nonexistent bathroom in Mimiga Village.

\- While IM Meen was distracted from writing his story, Balrog suddenly fully remembered who he was. "OH MY GOD, WHY IN THE HELL AM I DRESSED AS A WOMAN?!" he screamed.

"Shh...calm down." Jack reassured him. "We just need to get back to Sue and Toroko's house pronto! It's only a few seconds from here for crying out loud! Do you think you can fly us over there?"

"Sure thing, partner!" Balrog agreed with a proud smile.

TWELVE SECONDS LATER...

"OH MY EVER-LOVING GOD, IT HURTS! IT HURRRRRRTS!" Sue wailed in pain.

"WHY IS MY VAGINA BLEEDING?!" Toroko cried.

"Shh...calm down, children." Balrog instructed them. "Papa's here to save you. Hold on tight!"

And with those famous last words, Balrog took flight with all three kids clinging onto him for dear life as he went up higher and higher and higher into the sky. It was like the Apollo space shuttle all over again.

"Ah, there's my bloody pen." IM Meen said to himself with relief. "Now to just..."

Right when IM Meen was about to start writing in the book again, Balrog and his new friends literally broke the fourth wall, busting a hole right through the page and hitting IM Meen smack-dab in the face.

"I...I GIVE UP!" IM Meen wailed, getting down on his chest, throwing his arms onto Jack's feet and begging to him like a total coward. "PLEASE SPARE ME! I'll do anything! ANYTHING! Just PLEASE have MERCY! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!" he begged and pleaded, kissing and licking Jack's feet.

"Why does everyone seem to have the exact same weird-ass fetish around here?" Jack wondered to himself as he kicked IM Meen in the face.

At that exact moment, Quote and Curly arrived to pick the kids up.

"STOP RIGHT THERE, PERVERT!" Curly yelled at IM Meen.

"You no-good, good-for nothing pedophile!" Quote scolded him redundantly.

"Um, Quote?" Jack asked, tapping Quote.

"Yes, son?" Quote replied.

"Could I borrow your spare laser gun?" Jack asked.

"You mean my spare Spur?" Quote asked.

"Yes." Jack answered.

"Sure. Just be careful with it." Quote replied, tossing it to him. "Remember, it only hurts bad guys. Like that damned creep IM Meen for example."

"Guys, after him!" Sue and Toroko yelled. "He's getting away!"

"Oh, shit, he's using the teleporter!" Quote suddenly realized. "Jack, where does the teleporter monitor say he went?"

"The repaired Egg Corridor." Jack answered. "LET'S GO!"

Quote, Curly, Jack, Balrog, Toroko, and Sue, all six of them, chased IM Meen all the way through the Egg Corridor and had him trapped on the edge of the Outer Wall balcony. There was simply no escape now.

"I'MA FIRIN' MAH LAZER- actually, you know what? I think that being shot with a giant laser beam is actually way too cool of a death for THIS low-life scumbag." Jack suddenly realized.

"Do you want to know how pissed I am at you right now, Mr. I Am Mean?" Jack snarled.

"Uhh...really angry?" IM Meen guessed pathetically.

"GUESS AGAIN!" Jack yelled at him, pinning him down onto the floor. "How about angry enough to do THIS!?"

And with that, he sliced and diced the shit out of IM Meen's shit-eating face with his claws until there was basically no skin left, and then pushed him off the cliff.

"Good riddance." he spat as IM Meen fell to his well-deserved death. "High five, everybody!"

In conclusion:

Toroko, Sue and Jack officially developed a phobia of yuri pairings.

Toroko, Sue and Jack were all taken off of the deserted floating island and dropped off at the surface, where they all lived generally happy and peaceful lives.

Balrog learned how _not_ to show that he's gay.

Quote and Curly engaged in robot marriage.

And IM Meen died. The end.


End file.
